Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Even if it's not about you, it is

I'm not sure
who I would be
if not for you
probably the same mess
you met last year
drunk and destructive
and pretending
to be just fine
I am so thankful
to feel better at all
and even though
I sometimes fall back
into shadows
you are always there
bringing light back
to my eyes
It is unusual
for me
to be able to have a conversation
so honest
maybe it was the dark
of the car
that provided cover
and our eyes forward to the road
no anxiety-inducing permanence
our momentum
not allowing
any second
to become more important
than the approaching one
and the comfort
I felt was strange
discussing my inherent
mistrust of people
and at the same time
noting its absence between us

Thursday, December 15, 2011

heavy head

My head and heart
feel heavy
and I feel sad
and scared
about the passage of time
and for a moment
I missed my mom very intensely
and I missed being a child very intensely
time gives me nightmares
vague nightmares
where something terrifying and
irreversible has happened
The feeling is the same as the one I get
when I am
for a moment
suddenly aware that there is a beginning
and an end
and I can only struggle to control
some part in the middle

Sunday, December 11, 2011


to sit and feel and
not imagine myself stared at
in judgement
to speak only in first person
using piano keys
or guitar strings
and feel it all
and show it all
to forget fear and
to remember all that I am
and once was
to know how special
and small I am
to not worry about
the loneliness that
inevitably comes to me
to be drunk
on laughter
and silly headed
like a child
on nothing but the
pure fact
of existence

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Fuse pronounced foo-say

words and names
get stuck in my head
and I repeat them
stop thinking
be a machine
linguistically minded machine
that can objectively describe
what I feel
and not be embarrassed
or panicked
or overwhelmed
in a way that makes me
feel like a speck of dust
on top of a fresh
pile of dog shit
that you just stepped in

Friday, October 21, 2011

You smell like piss

from the bus
I saw three
probably homeless people
sitting at a bus stop
for some reason
I had to keep
they looked calm
and I could practically smell
the piss
and for a moment
it made me feel soft
and sad
for how desperate we all are
just to be loved
every word and action
is fueled by longing
and the fear
of being unwanted and alone

poop filled

my favorite music
sounds like a night terror
only I don't realize it
until someone else
is around to hear it
to me
its like sunshine and
sugar crystals
filtering through tiny

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


I dont know who ever told you
I was cool
or that
there is such a thing
at times
I feel so pathetic
and I can't imagine
I will ever be okay
but when
I slowly fell off my bed
and we just stared
for an hour maybe
and couldn't stop smiling
I knew
everything was fine
I traveled to the future
and that moment
stood taller
than the rest
it was a giant

Cordyceps is fucking nuts

In the dark
smelling wet earth
sadness sprouting from my head
like parisitic fungus
so I dig
and go deeper into
the black
turning my back on the light
and try to smother this thing
that aches in my chest
and maybe collapse
into myself
and then I keep digging
even though
my fingers are bleeding
and why am I doing this
and there's dirt in
my eyes
my hair
my nose
I'm coughing
and sinking
but it's all for the hope
that when I emerge
I will be

Friday, July 29, 2011

maybe it's like this

I used to be a swimmer
charging my limbs
against the steady water
sometimes lifting my head
to gasp for air
each lungful
pumping regret
through my veins
I'm lying on my back
in an ocean
letting my body
rise and fall with
the sigh of each
crest and lull
and only occasionally
does my head go underwater

Saturday, May 28, 2011

I am having a dream
where I am a balloon
on a string
in your hand

you keep letting go
but grabbing the string again
just before it escapes
and I float away forever

I find it a bit cruel
but also comforting
like being tickled
I hate it
all it means
is that I am inescapably close to you

Saturday, May 21, 2011


when people
see me on the street
and I'm walking alone
they probably think
I'm an angry or unhappy
or maybe mean-spirited person
and it's because
most of the time
smiling really does nothing for me
and contorting my face in that way
is only necessary
in social settings
something about
showing your teeth
and maybe squinting your eyes a little
indicates you are a nice person
and worthy of friendship
or other benevolent interactions

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I keep feeling
like a different person
every few months now

I just want
to be a relic
a specimen
put in resin or under glass
and you will know I'm outdated
by all my dead ends and incompletes

and stillness and silence
will be just what is expected of me

I'll be perfect

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Guilt and Terror

were the words
I was searching for
in the ten thousand
thoughts flying
in my head
like so many birds
or a swarm of locusts
I felt cursed
or at best
a hopeless wreck

the regret fills the void
in my soul
and the fear
freezes my lungs and heart

some days I
find it very hard
just to breathe

Monday, March 21, 2011


high heels
make sounds
so as to turn heads

if you
feel satisfied
being the
peacock's feathers
it's fine

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

pretend I am not there

I wore your jacket
out in the rain today
and it held me
and kept me dry
I felt so close to you
but walking to the store
I felt shitty
I was probably just going
to steal
and you would shake your head
if you were here

I can't keep living
my life like this
alone in my head
pretending you are here
pretending to give all of myself
to my idea of you

so I go home and lay under
a mountain of blankets in my dark room
with the door closed
when I hear my roommates come home
I pretend I am not there
when I hear them speak my name
I pretend I am not there
and there have been times in the past
even though I cared so much for him
when I pretended it wasn't happening
I was not there

toward forward

we are all
looking toward something
in anticipation
we are all eager to leave this moment
for the next to come
our bus is two stops away
we want it here now
even old men
dig in their pockets
and crane their necks
itching for the next minute to be gone and done with

Sunday, March 13, 2011

how unfortunate

it's that feeling
all we have
is this
collection of tissues
with which to
the invisible
that is held somewhere
secret and hiding
but definitive
and for me it just seems so strange

I'm really not saying this right
let me try again

Monday, February 14, 2011

if you don't
hate yourself
at least a little bit
someone else will
be perfectly willing
to do it for you

if you have
grown accustomed
to your self-hate
you may become
oblivious to it
and others will have
nothing but praise for you
and such close proximity
to the mirror image
of your perceived self
causes discomfort

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


love is free
but it's hard to give away
I need
some good advice
or for time to keep me moving
keep everything moving forward
like it always does

the warmth that is inside my chest
tingles my ribcage
and I feel
so strangely human
I can hardly stand it
it paralyzes me sometimes

I stood alone
in the middle of
a bamboo grove
and just listened
I heard the leaves dance in the wind
and knew what it meant
(nothing really)

so why not?

Saturday, January 29, 2011

A worn out looking man
looked me in the face today
and said, "I wish I was dead, too"

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I'm restless today

I find no joy
in hearing you recount last night's events

It's not awesome
no part of me feels good
I want to sleep all day but I don't think I can manage that.

I don't want anyone to know me ever.

I am not seeking anyone's company.
My mind still returns to you.
Your name. Your name. It's always there in my thoughts.
but if we were together
I would mostly want to evaporate. Yeah, like that, I like that.
You could ask me questions and I'll answer every single one
with I don't know.

I always did that when I was a kid and my parents would get angry.
And when I had to see a therapist I did that too.
Then I realized what answers would get me out of her office
so I began using those instead. I have since broken that habit.
But mostly I just say I don't know.

reasons (It hurts but not that bad)

There must be reasons
that I lay awake
at 5 AM
fuck this
this is stupid

you asked if I was okay
and I wonder what
caused the question
I'm just curious what
brought it to your attention

I hope I didn't joke
about killing myself
don't worry, I won't
because I keep that joke
in the back of my brain
in a small box
tied with a bow
and I present it to
my grandparents at Thanksgiving dinner
just before coffee and dessert

I'm wondering
if everything I've ever said
was a lie

Sunday, January 16, 2011


whenever I feel regret
dreams usually follow
where I am screaming angrily
while pushing my head against the floor
and small children watch
and I have to apologize
and convince them I am not
a monster

Friday, January 7, 2011


In my dreams, I see people that I know and find reasons not to talk to them.
I'm good at beatboxing though.
In real life, I see people that I know and sometimes I talk to them. Sometimes I find reasons not to talk to them.
My stomach hurts but I can't imagine what would help this.

I thought about telling you my most
troubling thoughts
but I know you're not my confidante
you have more intimate matters at hand

there's a weight around my neck
it's got your name on it
and it reminds me that I am so full of shit

so I begin every sentence with the words "To be honest..."
but no one picks up on the idea
that everything I said before might
have been a lie

Monday, January 3, 2011

Take this with a grain of salt, or treat me like a dyslexic third-grader on crack

maybe I'll go somewhere tonight
and black out

and tomorrow
we can talk about
my experiences
on the same footing
and from the outside
I will laugh at what
a fucking clown I am

I'm so sick of this thing I am
I want to merge my body with yours
but it's not cooperating

there's some
half-visible force
the one that weighs on my eyebrows
and it's holding me in place
and some kind of anti-gravity machine
has apparently been installed
in my stomach

I fill the cup when it's empty
but everything is pouring out

Thank You

Thank you
for being my friend

and I'm glad
you have not seen me
in my ugliest moments
sick or hurting myself
even though things
come in various forms

you listen to me whine
and I won't start hitting myself
like I would if I was alone

and I see the disgust
on certain people's faces
and it's the way I feel inside
but there is no
facial expression for it

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Small Talk Sucks

He asked, "Are you difficult to find?"
"No, I'm usually right where I am."

You make me want to smash your skull carefully or at least hold it firmly between my hands. It is the opposite of feeling like a gray cotton cloud being torn open by skyscrapers. Rain pouring out like tears, running down the silver red reflections of the sky on the windows of the buildings.

I don't know anymore. just keep typing I guess until you memorize where the keys are and never make any mistakes. never make any mistakes. if you do it would be really bad. REALLY BAD.

I thought I was actually feeling sad but I cried for less than a minute and then I felt pathetic and then back to normal again.

sadfdasasdfasdfasdfadfasdfasdfasdfsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsad sad sad sadsadsad sadsad
sadsad sadsad sad sad sad sadsadsad sadsadsad sadsa

I feel like a piece of garbage, covered in dog piss and vomit and hobo piss and stepped on and worthless. Absolutely fucking worthless. The worst part is, I don't even feel like that. Maybe if I felt like a piece of trash I could stop caring and just relax because my life is pointless and stupid but not dull or uninteresting.

And my mind goes blank. I clench my hand into a fist and nervously pick at the skin next to my thumbnail.

I should do something but I just look with my eyes, left and then right. In a full circle. Then forward again and I frown and gently rub my front teeth together. I'm not sure if you've been watching me, but as I do this, I feel like I'm on a string,
or following some hypnotist's commands
for what I should do in response to another person being so close to me.

I am a terrible person sometimes but I know you'll forgive me for it.

And I look into your eyes to search for the answers.

What Else

I just feel like sobbing. And you can use me as an arm rest
And you can use my tears to moisten your eyes if you want

I'm drunk and honest. Ask me anything.

I'm sorry if I was too in your face
or anything.

I am not filled with regret.

I don't know what else to do so I just relive the same moments in my head.

My head is I don't know what else.

See you sometime.