Monday, December 27, 2010


The only one who knows all my secrets is my computer.

I have a hard time describing the way I feel. It's usually something like depressed, completely lost, want to break something, or deliriously immature. I'm not sure these are emotions.

The moment I'm forced to stop tearing skin from my own cuticles for you to touch my hand I forget who I am pretending to be and who I really am and I am not always sure what the difference is. I'd just like to continue slowly making myself into a pile of dust and not have the focus of your eyes on me, burning me as I'm dreaming of silence. I always thought of heaven as flying somewhere above the clouds, soft and weightless.

I twitch when I imagine your hand touching my back, but I long for you to touch me so I can start forgetting your touch, or something.

In my head, about half the time I'm thinking, "smash your skull. smash your skull. smash your skull. smash your skull. smash your skull. smash your skull."

Sometimes I feel like I'm melting. Or collapsing.
I can't explain but I feel like pulling my knees to my chest and putting my hood on and just falling into myself. It's like looking at photographs that I'm not in, cringing to think of what my face would look like if I were in the picture.

I don't know. My teeth are so worn down I might be partially cutting my gums open at night because it's not the first time I woke up with blood in my mouth.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

"Christmas is for dicks"

I just googled that and nothing came up

Friday, December 24, 2010


Our ability to
form lasting friendships
is a function
of our ability
to comfortably
and truthfully
mock each other

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


I want to get an x-ray of my face
but I'm scared
of the radiation
I get the feeling something is broken
my teeth are fucked
or my sinuses are swollen
I need to see the proof
my bones reflecting the
waves of energy
my tissues, absorbing them
painting a perfect
natural picture
in black and white
but instead of being overwhelmed,
I forget to do
anything at all

Monday, December 13, 2010

Repeater + 3 Songs

I never told you this
at all but
I bought a CD
on the night
I lost my virginity
and I never listened to it
until now.
It's punk rock
like whiskey shots
and really
I'm still a kid
asking you to hold my hand
across the street
and I can't seem
to keep a straight face
when you reach for me
and I yell
"Not it!"
and run away
and then
probably trip
and fall
and rip the skin on my palms

it's cool though

Saturday, December 11, 2010

closed eyes

Kneeling at your coffee table
arms flat, wrists up
I put my head down
and shut my eyes
and slowly you move your palms
and fingers
over my forearms

I exhale deeply
and there seems to be water
running down my spine
but its just
our combined exhalations
shaking the air of the room
gently waking me
as light fills my closed eyes

Monday, December 6, 2010

I was clutching at something today
right in my center
there is a black
tangled ball
of string
if you look closely
the threads are
made of tuning forks
and mysteriously
and inconsistently
their resonance
warms my insides
but sometimes
when they are soaked in liquor
they swell and expand
until I feel the pressure
in my stomach
and I think
I have to do something
or else I'm going to die

but what I never realize
is that death was not an option
it's automatic and unchosen

like being born or
shitting your pants after
slurring your dying words
and you were never a part
of the negotiations

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

excuse me

while I go
someplace quieter
to punch my head

like the smile
that pulls at the corners of my mouth
when I picture myself
having a panic attack
the kind where you can't breathe