Saturday, January 29, 2011

A worn out looking man
looked me in the face today
and said, "I wish I was dead, too"

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I'm restless today

I find no joy
in hearing you recount last night's events

It's not awesome
no part of me feels good
I want to sleep all day but I don't think I can manage that.

I don't want anyone to know me ever.

I am not seeking anyone's company.
My mind still returns to you.
Your name. Your name. It's always there in my thoughts.
but if we were together
I would mostly want to evaporate. Yeah, like that, I like that.
You could ask me questions and I'll answer every single one
with I don't know.

I always did that when I was a kid and my parents would get angry.
And when I had to see a therapist I did that too.
Then I realized what answers would get me out of her office
so I began using those instead. I have since broken that habit.
But mostly I just say I don't know.

reasons (It hurts but not that bad)

There must be reasons
that I lay awake
at 5 AM
fuck this
this is stupid

you asked if I was okay
and I wonder what
caused the question
I'm just curious what
brought it to your attention

I hope I didn't joke
about killing myself
don't worry, I won't
because I keep that joke
in the back of my brain
in a small box
tied with a bow
and I present it to
my grandparents at Thanksgiving dinner
just before coffee and dessert

I'm wondering
if everything I've ever said
was a lie

Sunday, January 16, 2011


whenever I feel regret
dreams usually follow
where I am screaming angrily
while pushing my head against the floor
and small children watch
and I have to apologize
and convince them I am not
a monster

Friday, January 7, 2011


In my dreams, I see people that I know and find reasons not to talk to them.
I'm good at beatboxing though.
In real life, I see people that I know and sometimes I talk to them. Sometimes I find reasons not to talk to them.
My stomach hurts but I can't imagine what would help this.

I thought about telling you my most
troubling thoughts
but I know you're not my confidante
you have more intimate matters at hand

there's a weight around my neck
it's got your name on it
and it reminds me that I am so full of shit

so I begin every sentence with the words "To be honest..."
but no one picks up on the idea
that everything I said before might
have been a lie

Monday, January 3, 2011

Take this with a grain of salt, or treat me like a dyslexic third-grader on crack

maybe I'll go somewhere tonight
and black out

and tomorrow
we can talk about
my experiences
on the same footing
and from the outside
I will laugh at what
a fucking clown I am

I'm so sick of this thing I am
I want to merge my body with yours
but it's not cooperating

there's some
half-visible force
the one that weighs on my eyebrows
and it's holding me in place
and some kind of anti-gravity machine
has apparently been installed
in my stomach

I fill the cup when it's empty
but everything is pouring out

Thank You

Thank you
for being my friend

and I'm glad
you have not seen me
in my ugliest moments
sick or hurting myself
even though things
come in various forms

you listen to me whine
and I won't start hitting myself
like I would if I was alone

and I see the disgust
on certain people's faces
and it's the way I feel inside
but there is no
facial expression for it

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Small Talk Sucks

He asked, "Are you difficult to find?"
"No, I'm usually right where I am."

You make me want to smash your skull carefully or at least hold it firmly between my hands. It is the opposite of feeling like a gray cotton cloud being torn open by skyscrapers. Rain pouring out like tears, running down the silver red reflections of the sky on the windows of the buildings.

I don't know anymore. just keep typing I guess until you memorize where the keys are and never make any mistakes. never make any mistakes. if you do it would be really bad. REALLY BAD.

I thought I was actually feeling sad but I cried for less than a minute and then I felt pathetic and then back to normal again.

sadfdasasdfasdfasdfadfasdfasdfasdfsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsad sad sad sadsadsad sadsad
sadsad sadsad sad sad sad sadsadsad sadsadsad sadsa

I feel like a piece of garbage, covered in dog piss and vomit and hobo piss and stepped on and worthless. Absolutely fucking worthless. The worst part is, I don't even feel like that. Maybe if I felt like a piece of trash I could stop caring and just relax because my life is pointless and stupid but not dull or uninteresting.

And my mind goes blank. I clench my hand into a fist and nervously pick at the skin next to my thumbnail.

I should do something but I just look with my eyes, left and then right. In a full circle. Then forward again and I frown and gently rub my front teeth together. I'm not sure if you've been watching me, but as I do this, I feel like I'm on a string,
or following some hypnotist's commands
for what I should do in response to another person being so close to me.

I am a terrible person sometimes but I know you'll forgive me for it.

And I look into your eyes to search for the answers.

What Else

I just feel like sobbing. And you can use me as an arm rest
And you can use my tears to moisten your eyes if you want

I'm drunk and honest. Ask me anything.

I'm sorry if I was too in your face
or anything.

I am not filled with regret.

I don't know what else to do so I just relive the same moments in my head.

My head is I don't know what else.

See you sometime.