A worn out looking man

looked me in the face today

and said, "I wish I was dead, too"

I'm restless today

I find no joy

in hearing you recount last night's events

It's not awesome

no part of me feels good

I want to sleep all day but I don't think I can manage that.

I don't want anyone to know me ever.

I am not seeking anyone's company.

My mind still returns to you.

Your name. Your name. It's always there in my thoughts.

but if we were together

I would mostly want to evaporate. Yeah, like that, I like that.

You could ask me questions and I'll answer every single one

with I don't know.

I always did that when I was a kid and my parents would get angry.

And when I had to see a therapist I did that too.

Then I realized what answers would get me out of her office

so I began using those instead. I have since broken that habit.

But mostly I just say I don't know.

reasons (It hurts but not that bad)

There must be reasons

that I lay awake

at 5 AM

fuck this

this is stupid

you asked if I was okay

and I wonder what

caused the question

I'm just curious what

brought it to your attention

I hope I didn't joke

about killing myself

don't worry, I won't

because I keep that joke

in the back of my brain

in a small box

tied with a bow

and I present it to

my grandparents at Thanksgiving dinner

just before coffee and dessert

I'm wondering

if everything I've ever said

was a lie

Sorry

whenever I feel regret

dreams usually follow

where I am screaming angrily

while pushing my head against the floor

and small children watch

terrified

and I have to apologize

and convince them I am not

a monster

SHITTY FACE

In my dreams, I see people that I know and find reasons not to talk to them.

I'm good at beatboxing though.

In real life, I see people that I know and sometimes I talk to them. Sometimes I find reasons not to talk to them.

My stomach hurts but I can't imagine what would help this.

I thought about telling you my most

troubling thoughts

but I know you're not my confidante

anymore

you have more intimate matters at hand

there's a weight around my neck

it's got your name on it

and it reminds me that I am so full of shit

so I begin every sentence with the words "To be honest..."

but no one picks up on the idea

that everything I said before might

have been a lie

Take this with a grain of salt, or treat me like a dyslexic third-grader on crack

maybe I'll go somewhere tonight

and black out

and tomorrow

we can talk about

my experiences

on the same footing

and from the outside

I will laugh at what

a fucking clown I am

I'm so sick of this thing I am

I want to merge my body with yours

but it's not cooperating

there's some

half-visible force

the one that weighs on my eyebrows

and it's holding me in place

and some kind of anti-gravity machine

has apparently been installed

in my stomach

I fill the cup when it's empty

but everything is pouring out

Thank You

Thank you

for being my friend

and I'm glad

you have not seen me

in my ugliest moments

sick or hurting myself

even though things

come in various forms

you listen to me whine

and I won't start hitting myself

like I would if I was alone

and I see the disgust

on certain people's faces

and it's the way I feel inside

but there is no

facial expression for it

Small Talk Sucks

He asked, "Are you difficult to find?"

"No, I'm usually right where I am."

You make me want to smash your skull carefully or at least hold it firmly between my hands. It is the opposite of feeling like a gray cotton cloud being torn open by skyscrapers. Rain pouring out like tears, running down the silver red reflections of the sky on the windows of the buildings.

I don't know anymore. just keep typing I guess until you memorize where the keys are and never make any mistakes. never make any mistakes. if you do it would be really bad. REALLY BAD.

I thought I was actually feeling sad but I cried for less than a minute and then I felt pathetic and then back to normal again.

sadfdasasdfasdfasdfadfasdfasdfasdfsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsad sad sad sadsadsad sadsad

sadsad sadsad sad sad sad sadsadsad sadsadsad sadsa

I feel like a piece of garbage, covered in dog piss and vomit and hobo piss and stepped on and worthless. Absolutely fucking worthless. The worst part is, I don't even feel like that. Maybe if I felt like a piece of trash I could stop caring and just relax because my life is pointless and stupid but not dull or uninteresting.

And my mind goes blank. I clench my hand into a fist and nervously pick at the skin next to my thumbnail.

I should do something but I just look with my eyes, left and then right. In a full circle. Then forward again and I frown and gently rub my front teeth together. I'm not sure if you've been watching me, but as I do this, I feel like I'm on a string,

or following some hypnotist's commands

for what I should do in response to another person being so close to me.

I am a terrible person sometimes but I know you'll forgive me for it.

And I look into your eyes to search for the answers.

What Else

I just feel like sobbing. And you can use me as an arm rest

And you can use my tears to moisten your eyes if you want

I'm drunk and honest. Ask me anything.

I'm sorry if I was too in your face

or anything.

Yeah,

I am not filled with regret.

I don't know what else to do so I just relive the same moments in my head.

My head is I don't know what else.

See you sometime.