Uncertainty

The only one who knows all my secrets is my computer.

I have a hard time describing the way I feel. It's usually something like depressed, completely lost, want to break something, or deliriously immature. I'm not sure these are emotions.

The moment I'm forced to stop tearing skin from my own cuticles for you to touch my hand I forget who I am pretending to be and who I really am and I am not always sure what the difference is. I'd just like to continue slowly making myself into a pile of dust and not have the focus of your eyes on me, burning me as I'm dreaming of silence. I always thought of heaven as flying somewhere above the clouds, soft and weightless.

I twitch when I imagine your hand touching my back, but I long for you to touch me so I can start forgetting your touch, or something.

In my head, about half the time I'm thinking, "smash your skull. smash your skull. smash your skull. smash your skull. smash your skull. smash your skull."

Sometimes I feel like I'm melting. Or collapsing.

I can't explain but I feel like pulling my knees to my chest and putting my hood on and just falling into myself. It's like looking at photographs that I'm not in, cringing to think of what my face would look like if I were in the picture.

I don't know. My teeth are so worn down I might be partially cutting my gums open at night because it's not the first time I woke up with blood in my mouth.

"Christmas is for dicks"

I just googled that and nothing came up

Friends?

Our ability to

form lasting friendships

is a function

of our ability

to comfortably

and truthfully

mock each other

X-ray

I want to get an x-ray of my face

but I'm scared

of the radiation

Still,

I get the feeling something is broken

my teeth are fucked

or my sinuses are swollen

I need to see the proof

my bones reflecting the

waves of energy

my tissues, absorbing them

painting a perfect

natural picture

in black and white

but instead of being overwhelmed,

I forget to do

anything at all

Repeater + 3 Songs

I never told you this

at all but

I bought a CD

on the night

I lost my virginity

and I never listened to it

until now.

It's punk rock

like whiskey shots

and really

I'm still a kid

asking you to hold my hand

across the street

and I can't seem

to keep a straight face

anymore

when you reach for me

and I yell

"Not it!"

and run away

and then

probably trip

and fall

and rip the skin on my palms

it's cool though

closed eyes

Kneeling at your coffee table

arms flat, wrists up

I put my head down

and shut my eyes

and slowly you move your palms

and fingers

over my forearms

I exhale deeply

and there seems to be water

running down my spine

but its just

our combined exhalations

shaking the air of the room

gently waking me

as light fills my closed eyes

I was clutching at something today

right in my center

there is a black

tangled ball

of string

if you look closely

the threads are

made of tuning forks

and mysteriously

and inconsistently

their resonance

warms my insides

but sometimes

when they are soaked in liquor

they swell and expand

until I feel the pressure

in my stomach

and I think

I have to do something

or else I'm going to die

but what I never realize

is that death was not an option

it's automatic and unchosen

like being born or

shitting your pants after

slurring your dying words

and you were never a part

of the negotiations

excuse me

while I go

someplace quieter

to punch my head

like the smile

that pulls at the corners of my mouth

when I picture myself

having a panic attack

the kind where you can't breathe

blood-lust paper cut

it's almost instinctive,

bringing your finger

to your lips

your tongue meets the cut

and the metallic taste

is sharp

for a moment

clearing the layer of dust

from a place in your memory

but somehow

the fear

and those things you felt

aren't so far away

as you watch the

red shine

fill the grooves of your fingerprint

the only people

who don't break

eye contact with you

are in advertisements

otherwise

we're forced to look away

and pretend our eyes

never met

the empty streets

or crowded trains

remind you

how slowly

the minutes pass

once you are

a one

a single

a person

yourself

all by your lonesome

somewhere

bending space and time

there are spaces of time

days even

when all I do

when I pass a mirror

is glare into my own eyes

and think of

horrible horrible mean nasty things

that I would say

to no one in particular

and other times

I stand on top of my furniture

and stretch

my hands to the ceiling

until my fingers

bend backwards

and think about

eating ice cream

with bare hands

off of the tabletop

Barfday Inundations

In less than 6 days

I will have been alive

22 years

and while I relish the chance to use

the future perfect tense

it scares me to see

how much things change

and where I could be

and where I am

these are never the same,

because I, with only my one self,

can't exhaust all the possibilities

alone, but not badly

sometimes it takes

being alone in a room

to realize

yes,

it is you

that smells bad

My secrets

are many and some

insignificant

but when

I let one go

that is deep and

well-guarded

it falls

not like a boulder

but like grains of sand

through your fingers

into dust

and quickly forgotten

I nod

As I turn my gaze respectfully downwards

but like you said

of the Japanese

It's not to signify agreement

but to acknowledge

your voice

has hit my ear

from there

the words are carried

along nerves

until it reaches

the marvel of an organ

no creator

designed for me.

I dreamt

that my childhood dog

was a border collie

but more human

restless, and unable to sleep

so I stroked her fur gently

but she bit me and wouldn't let go.

now I'm lying awake and it's

too hot for a blanket but

I need one to cover

my face

and block out

the morning light

Still

I can't control

the things I do in my sleep

my jaw is tight,

even now.

I saw the sunset today.

I heard the lack of cars. I listened to the ocean,

powerfully colliding with the land.

I admired the blue green red orange purple sky.

I looked for the moon.

Still, my mind

won't let my body

lay still.

It's Time

I want to wake up

to be a part of everything

I still don't know my neighbors names

I haven't walked an unworn path

in maybe my whole life

I am stuck in my ways

in my solitude

I fall back on it

lie in its comforting embrace

and am grateful to not

hear another person's thoughts

or have them hear mine

but at the same time

I know the sad future this

is leading towards

dying alone

is not the worst thing

but to have never let any one in

past this untouched doorway

is shameful

Rash

I am sincerely

scared that one night

or even day

while extremely intoxicated

I am going to do something rash

In the moment

I will believe it is my truth

my sincere desire

to never again see you

to never look in a mirror

and see my face.

Highly Impressionable

THE TROUBLE WAS THAT HE THOUGHT HE SHOULD BE IN JAIL

You are not selling your age; rather you are selling your morbid superstitions,

-John 8:11

A man, about 60 years of age, came to see me one evening.

During dinner, he told me that while he had

been bad; that he was not the same man mentally, physically,

emotionally or spiritually; and that he should cease

black magic, sorcery and devil-worship

the latter had made a profound impression on him.

sorcery is based on gross ignorance; all it means is thinking

19 years of age is not the flight of years but the dawn of

drinking excessively and

riches, peace, harmony, advancement, victory, etc.

mother, who was leading a vegetable-like existence

began to comprehend that, undoubtedly, his

talents, abilities and wisdom garnered through

his subconscious mind and the wisdom of his deeper mind

opened up all doors necessary

this young man seemed to be on the verge of becoming about 5,000 people

The Dangers of Talking to Strangers

a i y me he it an of if so as is in at be bee to two know

te he se si es en ni se le me tu el del de un la lo fue que

the dangers of talking to strangers.

i once talked to strangers and thats how ...

i was a carefree teenager, when one day

a day that i will never forget...

a dark car pulled up beside me

he was older, he was good looking

and next thing you know

something beautiful

today

i want to strangle something

beautiful and small

and watch

the horror on people's faces grow

until it distorts their features

grotesque and unlovable

they will call out to me

then i will make something beautiful

and watch as they tear it down

and me with it

and i will feel better

about myself

and life in general

because then i will know

what we are all capable of

online events

have led me to believe

that many people

will understand you
but i will

always be alone

or among

tolerable individuals

continuing to misinterpret

my nervous smile

for benevolence

stay in bed

im making brownies with a nonchalant expression

while i watch an imaginary TV

and in the distance

three people cross the street.

one falls down and the the other two stop and look.

the one doesnt get up so the other two continue

the one gets run over by a car but no one cares

cause they are curious about my nonchalant face and the smell of brownies

-blah

Unknown Cause

When he left the room

I tore apart

everything

in my head

I threw books from their shelves

kicked over the couch

knocked over tables and chairs

ripped posters from the walls

crazed and reckless

I cleared the mantle

with one fatal sweep

He returned

and I just sat there

hands folded in my lap

and eyes bright

as if

watching

birds in an open sky

BROWS

Awkward Janitor is on last.fm

i need a computer

mark your e-mails to yourself as spam.
block your best friend on facebook.
report your mother as innapropriate.
hack Obama's twitter account.

no but really.
i need a computer.

move it shake it

I can't shake this feeling
but I try
to loosen its grip on me
wringing my hands
but this weight in my stomach
gets deep and heavy
and tired shoulders slump
til my knees bend
and I have to sit down
for a while
until I remember
why I should get up
again and again

I want to present a kinder face.
but the work is harder than the plan.
I show loyalty.
We've been through some hard times.
I keep the things I find.
I'm lost, out of my mind.

I'm just seeking some comfort, someone stronger than me.
Keep me safe from harm.
Let me see there is no real chance of harm.