Monday, December 27, 2010


The only one who knows all my secrets is my computer.

I have a hard time describing the way I feel. It's usually something like depressed, completely lost, want to break something, or deliriously immature. I'm not sure these are emotions.

The moment I'm forced to stop tearing skin from my own cuticles for you to touch my hand I forget who I am pretending to be and who I really am and I am not always sure what the difference is. I'd just like to continue slowly making myself into a pile of dust and not have the focus of your eyes on me, burning me as I'm dreaming of silence. I always thought of heaven as flying somewhere above the clouds, soft and weightless.

I twitch when I imagine your hand touching my back, but I long for you to touch me so I can start forgetting your touch, or something.

In my head, about half the time I'm thinking, "smash your skull. smash your skull. smash your skull. smash your skull. smash your skull. smash your skull."

Sometimes I feel like I'm melting. Or collapsing.
I can't explain but I feel like pulling my knees to my chest and putting my hood on and just falling into myself. It's like looking at photographs that I'm not in, cringing to think of what my face would look like if I were in the picture.

I don't know. My teeth are so worn down I might be partially cutting my gums open at night because it's not the first time I woke up with blood in my mouth.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

"Christmas is for dicks"

I just googled that and nothing came up

Friday, December 24, 2010


Our ability to
form lasting friendships
is a function
of our ability
to comfortably
and truthfully
mock each other

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


I want to get an x-ray of my face
but I'm scared
of the radiation
I get the feeling something is broken
my teeth are fucked
or my sinuses are swollen
I need to see the proof
my bones reflecting the
waves of energy
my tissues, absorbing them
painting a perfect
natural picture
in black and white
but instead of being overwhelmed,
I forget to do
anything at all

Monday, December 13, 2010

Repeater + 3 Songs

I never told you this
at all but
I bought a CD
on the night
I lost my virginity
and I never listened to it
until now.
It's punk rock
like whiskey shots
and really
I'm still a kid
asking you to hold my hand
across the street
and I can't seem
to keep a straight face
when you reach for me
and I yell
"Not it!"
and run away
and then
probably trip
and fall
and rip the skin on my palms

it's cool though

Saturday, December 11, 2010

closed eyes

Kneeling at your coffee table
arms flat, wrists up
I put my head down
and shut my eyes
and slowly you move your palms
and fingers
over my forearms

I exhale deeply
and there seems to be water
running down my spine
but its just
our combined exhalations
shaking the air of the room
gently waking me
as light fills my closed eyes

Monday, December 6, 2010

I was clutching at something today
right in my center
there is a black
tangled ball
of string
if you look closely
the threads are
made of tuning forks
and mysteriously
and inconsistently
their resonance
warms my insides
but sometimes
when they are soaked in liquor
they swell and expand
until I feel the pressure
in my stomach
and I think
I have to do something
or else I'm going to die

but what I never realize
is that death was not an option
it's automatic and unchosen

like being born or
shitting your pants after
slurring your dying words
and you were never a part
of the negotiations

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

excuse me

while I go
someplace quieter
to punch my head

like the smile
that pulls at the corners of my mouth
when I picture myself
having a panic attack
the kind where you can't breathe

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

blood-lust paper cut

it's almost instinctive,
bringing your finger
to your lips
your tongue meets the cut
and the metallic taste
is sharp
for a moment
clearing the layer of dust
from a place in your memory
but somehow
the fear
and those things you felt
aren't so far away
as you watch the
red shine
fill the grooves of your fingerprint
the only people
who don't break
eye contact with you
are in advertisements

we're forced to look away
and pretend our eyes
never met

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

the empty streets
or crowded trains
remind you
how slowly
the minutes pass
once you are
a one
a single
a person
all by your lonesome

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

bending space and time

there are spaces of time
days even
when all I do
when I pass a mirror
is glare into my own eyes
and think of
horrible horrible mean nasty things
that I would say
to no one in particular

and other times
I stand on top of my furniture
and stretch
my hands to the ceiling
until my fingers
bend backwards
and think about
eating ice cream
with bare hands
off of the tabletop

Monday, October 25, 2010

Barfday Inundations

In less than 6 days
I will have been alive
22 years

and while I relish the chance to use
the future perfect tense
it scares me to see
how much things change

and where I could be
and where I am

these are never the same,
because I, with only my one self,
can't exhaust all the possibilities

Thursday, October 14, 2010

alone, but not badly

sometimes it takes
being alone in a room
to realize

it is you
that smells bad

Friday, September 17, 2010

My secrets
are many and some
but when
I let one go
that is deep and

it falls
not like a boulder
but like grains of sand
through your fingers
into dust
and quickly forgotten

Thursday, August 26, 2010

I nod
As I turn my gaze respectfully downwards
but like you said
of the Japanese
It's not to signify agreement
but to acknowledge
your voice
has hit my ear

from there
the words are carried
along nerves
until it reaches
the marvel of an organ
no creator
designed for me.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I dreamt
that my childhood dog
was a border collie
but more human
restless, and unable to sleep
so I stroked her fur gently
but she bit me and wouldn't let go.

now I'm lying awake and it's
too hot for a blanket but
I need one to cover
my face
and block out
the morning light

Monday, August 23, 2010


I can't control
the things I do in my sleep
my jaw is tight,
even now.

I saw the sunset today.
I heard the lack of cars. I listened to the ocean,
powerfully colliding with the land.
I admired the blue green red orange purple sky.
I looked for the moon.

Still, my mind
won't let my body
lay still.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

It's Time

I want to wake up
to be a part of everything

I still don't know my neighbors names
I haven't walked an unworn path
in maybe my whole life
I am stuck in my ways
in my solitude

I fall back on it
lie in its comforting embrace
and am grateful to not
hear another person's thoughts
or have them hear mine

but at the same time
I know the sad future this
is leading towards
dying alone
is not the worst thing
but to have never let any one in
past this untouched doorway
is shameful

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


I am sincerely
scared that one night
or even day
while extremely intoxicated
I am going to do something rash

In the moment
I will believe it is my truth
my sincere desire
to never again see you
to never look in a mirror
and see my face.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Highly Impressionable


You are not selling your age; rather you are selling your morbid superstitions,
-John 8:11

A man, about 60 years of age, came to see me one evening.
During dinner, he told me that while he had
been bad; that he was not the same man mentally, physically,
emotionally or spiritually; and that he should cease
black magic, sorcery and devil-worship
the latter had made a profound impression on him.
sorcery is based on gross ignorance; all it means is thinking
19 years of age is not the flight of years but the dawn of
drinking excessively and
riches, peace, harmony, advancement, victory, etc.
mother, who was leading a vegetable-like existence
began to comprehend that, undoubtedly, his
talents, abilities and wisdom garnered through
his subconscious mind and the wisdom of his deeper mind
opened up all doors necessary
this young man seemed to be on the verge of becoming about 5,000 people

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Dangers of Talking to Strangers

a i y me he it an of if so as is in at be bee to two know

te he se si es en ni se le me tu el del de un la lo fue que

the dangers of talking to strangers.

i once talked to strangers and thats how ...

i was a carefree teenager, when one day

a day that i will never forget...

a dark car pulled up beside me

he was older, he was good looking

and next thing you know

Sunday, June 13, 2010

something beautiful

i want to strangle something
beautiful and small

and watch
the horror on people's faces grow
until it distorts their features

grotesque and unlovable
they will call out to me

then i will make something beautiful
and watch as they tear it down

and me with it

and i will feel better
about myself
and life in general

because then i will know
what we are all capable of

online events

have led me to believe
that many people
will understand you
but i will
always be alone
or among
tolerable individuals
continuing to misinterpret
my nervous smile
for benevolence

Thursday, June 10, 2010

stay in bed

im making brownies with a nonchalant expression
while i watch an imaginary TV
and in the distance
three people cross the street.
one falls down and the the other two stop and look.
the one doesnt get up so the other two continue
the one gets run over by a car but no one cares
cause they are curious about my nonchalant face and the smell of brownies

Friday, May 7, 2010

Unknown Cause

When he left the room
I tore apart
in my head
I threw books from their shelves
kicked over the couch
knocked over tables and chairs
ripped posters from the walls
crazed and reckless
I cleared the mantle
with one fatal sweep

He returned
and I just sat there
hands folded in my lap
and eyes bright
as if
birds in an open sky

Thursday, March 11, 2010


Awkward Janitor is on

i need a computer

mark your e-mails to yourself as spam.
block your best friend on facebook.
report your mother as innapropriate.
hack Obama's twitter account.

no but really.
i need a computer.

move it shake it

I can't shake this feeling
but I try
to loosen its grip on me
wringing my hands
but this weight in my stomach
gets deep and heavy
and tired shoulders slump
til my knees bend
and I have to sit down
for a while
until I remember
why I should get up
again and again

Monday, March 8, 2010

I want to present a kinder face.
but the work is harder than the plan.
I show loyalty.
We've been through some hard times.
I keep the things I find.
I'm lost, out of my mind.

I'm just seeking some comfort, someone stronger than me.
Keep me safe from harm.
Let me see there is no real chance of harm.