Even if it's not about you, it is

I'm not sure

who I would be

if not for you

probably the same mess

you met last year

drunk and destructive

and pretending

to be just fine

I am so thankful

to feel better at all

and even though

I sometimes fall back

into shadows

you are always there

waiting

bringing light back

to my eyes

It is unusual

for me

to be able to have a conversation

so honest

maybe it was the dark

of the car

that provided cover

and our eyes forward to the road

no anxiety-inducing permanence

our momentum

not allowing

any second

to become more important

than the approaching one

and the comfort

I felt was strange

discussing my inherent

mistrust of people

and at the same time

noting its absence between us

heavy head

My head and heart

feel heavy

and I feel sad

and scared

about the passage of time

and for a moment

I missed my mom very intensely

and I missed being a child very intensely

time gives me nightmares

vague nightmares

where something terrifying and

irreversible has happened

The feeling is the same as the one I get

when I am

for a moment

suddenly aware that there is a beginning

and an end

and I can only struggle to control

some part in the middle

resolve

to sit and feel and
not imagine myself stared at
in judgement
to speak only in first person
using piano keys
or guitar strings
and feel it all
and show it all
to forget fear and
embarrassment
to remember all that I am
and once was
to know how special
and small I am
to not worry about
the loneliness that
inevitably comes to me
to be drunk
on laughter
and silly headed
like a child
on nothing but the
pure fact
of existence