Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Even if it's not about you, it is

I'm not sure
who I would be
if not for you
probably the same mess
you met last year
drunk and destructive
and pretending
to be just fine
I am so thankful
to feel better at all
and even though
I sometimes fall back
into shadows
you are always there
bringing light back
to my eyes
It is unusual
for me
to be able to have a conversation
so honest
maybe it was the dark
of the car
that provided cover
and our eyes forward to the road
no anxiety-inducing permanence
our momentum
not allowing
any second
to become more important
than the approaching one
and the comfort
I felt was strange
discussing my inherent
mistrust of people
and at the same time
noting its absence between us

Thursday, December 15, 2011

heavy head

My head and heart
feel heavy
and I feel sad
and scared
about the passage of time
and for a moment
I missed my mom very intensely
and I missed being a child very intensely
time gives me nightmares
vague nightmares
where something terrifying and
irreversible has happened
The feeling is the same as the one I get
when I am
for a moment
suddenly aware that there is a beginning
and an end
and I can only struggle to control
some part in the middle

Sunday, December 11, 2011


to sit and feel and
not imagine myself stared at
in judgement
to speak only in first person
using piano keys
or guitar strings
and feel it all
and show it all
to forget fear and
to remember all that I am
and once was
to know how special
and small I am
to not worry about
the loneliness that
inevitably comes to me
to be drunk
on laughter
and silly headed
like a child
on nothing but the
pure fact
of existence